I heard someone preach about this idea of “being used by God” a long time ago, and the imagery they shared stuck with me for many years and often comes up in my mind.
I was thinking about this idea of how we find our value in being ‘used’ by God. If we are God’s children and we desire God to ‘use’ us, what’s wrong with that, right? We desire for God to use us like a vessel, a channel of His grace and His love flowing through us to others, and while that is noble, this idea that our worthiness is reliant on whether we are skillful and powerful enough, that is in the eyes of the world, that God could use us.
This idea from a perspective of a parent toward their child, if you think about it, would mean that my kids would find their worth and value from whether their parents find them “useful” or effective as a type of workforce. Like what kid wants to be ‘used’? It almost sounds perverted. That their sense of value by how intense their parent can ‘use’ them- sorta sounds like, forgive me, a parent ‘pimping out’ their kids. If you really just ponder that, what parent says to their child, ‘your reason for living is only if and when I feel I can use you’?
Now, thats extreme, but to make a point. What if your skill, your abilities, and your function in the earth is not about what you can do for your parent? What child’s value comes from what they can or can’t do? And is this the message we, the body of Christ, have infused into the generations?
Reading this verse below again added to this collection of thoughts around my meditation on the subject:
“I pray that out of His glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you being rooted and grounded in love may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know that this love that surpasses knowledge- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”
What is the purpose of receiving the power and strength from the Lord? To do mighty works? Great exploits? Yes of course, but that is secondary to this- that we would firstly know the Love of God.
The desire of every parent toward their child
As a mother of many children I would say my highest desire for my children (apart from them knowing and loving God) would be that they would know the depth of my love for them. That their very life and breath serves me by just being with me and receiving my love. I don’t want them in my life because they do things for me. I want them in my life because I enjoy being with them!
I struggle with feeling ‘unusable’ by God especially in the current season I am in. When I can barely take care of myself and those in my care, this idea that I have nothing to give or offer the world is quite depressing. And what if this season doesn’t end or go back to what I would consider a more successful role of ministry? Am I enough? Is the value of my life justified by works? Is my existence reliant on my ability to perform great exploits? Am I justified in taking up space on the planet simply because I am a human created in God’s image? Is that enough for me? Is that enough for people? Is that enough for God?
What is my purpose then?
I can honestly say I have often felt depressed and even in places of deep despair thinking that I have no calling or purpose on the earth and even have prayed, “God if you have no purpose for me here, take me home!” But can you imagine if your child said that to you? “Mom, I’ve done all the chores, cleaned the house, done everything I can think of to do for you, so if you have no purpose left for me I just want to kill myself!” Oh dear child, no no no. Your purpose for being alive is so that I can love you, so you can love me and so that we can exist together and share love and our being with one another.
This is the gift of presence. This is not something we can’t work for or earn in any way.
We do not need a resume or portfolio of work to validate our existence. To love and be loved, this is enough. We do not need to fix ourselves or others problems. To be present with people is enough.
If this blog is speaking to you, read on…
One of the exercises I have been doing is writing down things that are not in my control. This has helped my soul to rest and find calm. I have had to face fears of being unimportant, unqualified, unworthy, and unloved. I have battled them with the exercise of renewing my mind through scripture declarations of who I am in Christ, thanksgiving & gratitude, identifying lies that torment me and fighting to worship through sadness.
I didn’t realize until recently that one of the core lies I had been believing that has been at the root of the inherited sadness I carried most my life was that my existence must be validated.
Since I was very young I was told, “I wish you were dead”, “I wish you were never born”, “you ruined my life”, and things like this. I constantly had to prove that I was more than ok- that I was a blessing! And I had to work hard to be accepted enough just to be tolerated. This early childhood wiring taught me that I need to be important for people to keep me around, let alone like me! It reinforced the belief system that “I am not good enough” and must work harder than everyone else to prove myself. Boy is that exhausting! No wonder I had my first mental breakdown when I was just 29!
I thank God He has given me tools through the years to battle this war and if this has been something similar to what you have battled, I’d like to offer a few resources I use for renewing my mind.
Lastly, I want to share this amazing song that has ministered to me greatly over the last year. The lyrics:
“You just want me for me,
you just like me for me,
you never change your mind.
I could fight, kick scream and shout,
still your love chases me down,
I could never change your mind.”
Feedback
What have you done to overcome sadness and feelings of lack of worth? Do you have tools you go to when those mind battles start up? I’d love to hear in the comments below.
hugs friends <3